You brave, brave soul!  You chose to inhabit a physical body that would automatically feel fear and despair and grief in response to so many situations.  And you would have to find the perfect balance, wrestling with those innate reactions of the physical body all the while KNOWING at a level hidden to you by choice that all is well, that you cannot die, that you are Love in expression.  How brave you are, indeed.  Pleases know that you are never alone on this journey, and you are so very loved.